When two people are in a relationship and specially when they have a home or a family together dependency on each other is indispensable. In such situations any one of the partner being unavailable leads to the other feel emotionally, physically, mentally and socially incomplete because we might be independent units but we are dependent on each other as a couple.
Emotional dependency can be obviously when we miss each other’s love around us in various ways. Physical dependency can be when we miss our partner’s physical presence or physical support in terms of being a helping hand in carrying out household chores. Mental dependency can be when we have to make some decisions or carry out some mindful task. Social dependency can be when you have to attend gatherings alone or maybe host a get together alone in such cases you may end up feeling more lonely if you see people with their partners.
Recently my husband got a project from a client of his which requires him to travel out of town frequently (he had to travel on the weekdays come back on the weekends and then go back again). Now we have never been used too for such arrangements because my husband’s nature of work never required him to travel and I never had to manage anything alone and here I was landed in a situation where apart from the emotional, physical, mental and social loneliness I had to tackle –
1. Morning hustle which includes making breakfast and lunch, dropping off and picking up two kids (at separate timings);
2. Fulfil social commitments;
3. Prepare and execute kids’ birthdays;
4. Prepare daughter for her mid term exams
5. Handle kids’ meltdowns because their papa isn’t there.
Thinking about all this made me feel so overwhelmed and then what I did isn’t something I am proud of but is definitely something I want to accept because accepting your mistakes is the first step of correcting them. I did tell my husband how he shouldn’t be doing this project and how I am dependent upon him and in his absence I won’t be able to manage all alone. Though all this sounds ok but the number of times and in the ways that I said this to him is only a little short of toxic display of dependency. In an odd conversation I clearly remember telling him that I won’t send our daughter to school for her exam if he is unable to make it to home by then. I am so grateful that with time I realised that being a partner is to be each other’s strength and not liability.
It is always good and loving to know that your partner relies on you so much that they need you in their everyday life But when their need turns into constant nagging, taunting, pulling you down, not allowing you to walk your path of success and being a constant hurdle in the race (mental, emotional, physical or social) of your life then that is a red flag. It is a sign that the dependency on you is turning out to be toxic and needs help.
In such cases –
- talking to your partner;
- motivating them by telling them their strengths;
- taking professional help;
- including your partner in your plans/helplessness/wishes in life.
definitely helps.
It is very important to read the red flags in every relationship and remove them or correct them on time not just for a healthy relationship but for a mentally and physically healthy you.
musingsofaakanksha 