No this post is not to judge those who believe in “one and we are done”, I respect their choice. This post is not to tell why “I had second baby”, Coz dude I respect my own decisions first.
This post is specially for those who are in process of attaining motherhood for the second time (physically or mentally). If you are having or want to have second child and are wondering how will you handle the first one or are scared that the first one might get neglected, ignored or side lined or if you are the one who is postponing their decision of having second one because of the elder kid then this post is for you.
Well I always wanted to have two kids and my husband is always happy in whatever I decide. So we thought we are well prepared for the second one, but it was when I actually got pregnant for the second time that we realised what are we up for. Sharing the good news with our daughter wasn’t a problem because she always wanted a sibling. But we were sure she wasn’t ready for what will follow. All through my pregnancy I tried to stay active and be with her but there were things which were not like before and also I knew post delivery a lot of what I have been doing with her won’t be possible for a long time (going out for shopping, park strolls and much more).
So we did a few things which I think helped us and may help you too –
1. We always kept her included in doctor visits and scans (at least in scans she was always there, we encouraged her to ask something if she wants to).
2. She chose what we bought for baby, clothes, bouncer, baby products, bed – everything was her choice (of course guided by us).
3. We bought quite a few gifts for herself on behalf of the baby, and also for the baby to be given by her (she gave a gift to the baby in my baby shower too). Even before the baby was born we gave her a Rakshabandhan gift from baby and vice versa (and before you jump onto conclusion we have always encouraged tying rakhi between sisters too, my daughter ties rakhi to her cousin sisters too).
4. When my water broke in the middle of the night we decided to wake her up and took her with us (she came back home with her dadi but we decided we will not leave her sleeping because a disturbed sleep is better than the trauma of seeing both her parents not present when she wakes up).
5. On discharge, I asked my brother to bring her to the hospital so that we four can go home together as a family (she was so excited about that).
6. At home, she did make mistakes like almost tripping off on the baby, trying to hold him, tried to feed him a biscuit. I never scolded her for all that, instead I picked her up first and asked her if she is fine (because she was scared for her mistakes too) and then told her to ask me about what all she wants to do the next time. We have to understand that the elder ones are kids too and they would do mistakes but scolding them for what they did with the younger one can introduce that feeling of aversion towards their sibling.
7. We decided to do anchor parenting. We made her father her anchor to whom she can go for anything anytime. We told her she can even complain about mom and brother to him and she was so happy (our only priority at that time was that she should not go unheard). It’s not that we spoiled her with things. We did everything wisely but we definitely gave her some special treatments.
8. We consciously decided that we will never tell our daughter things like “don’t do this now you are a didi”, “don’t do that what will your bro/sister think”. We should never ever give such kind of pressure to our kids.
These and many other small things ensured that love wins and today 18 months down the line I am proud to say that not even a tinge of sibling rivalry, jealousy or complex has come between these two. Both of them love each other and my 18 months old though so young, understands his Didi’s emotions so well.
Remember compassionate parents only can think of having compassionate kids.
I am definitely proud of my kids. Now the scenario is such that if I want to go to a mall with my daughter all alone she won’t let me do that because she would miss her brother. Touchwood!
I would love to know my reader’s views and opinions on the same. You may even ask me anything through comments if you want to or if you are going through a similar turmoil.