Exactly 10 years ago today I lost my mom to cancer. It all happened in a blink of an eye. On 22nd June she was diagnosed and on 29th morning 5am she was gone. Her passing away has left a void in my heart and soul.
But as we all know, life has to move on. I also decided to move on. I was one month shy to 25 when my mom passed so she had already taught me the basics of life but what came after her were the bigger learnings of my life.
Today, I am penning down 10 leanings/experiences I got from life post my mum’s demise (these are My personal experiences and NOT any tips, not even in any far off dream I want ANYONE to even think of this experience ever):
1. You are not a kid anymore. As long as one has a mother one remains a kid, similarly, as soon as you loose your mother you are not a kid anymore. Suddenly people started expecting me to behave with maturity. Even my family started discussing or arguing upon different issues with me. Suddenly I was at the forefront which was always there but till now my mother was standing there and shielding us from it.
2. Moving on (totally) is a myth. People move on from break ups not from a death. A part of me has moved on but a part of me will always be there in the past. I often used to hear to forget all of it but let me tell you personally I have not been able to accept the fact that my mom is no more even after 10 years.
3. Not everyone who is around you is there with you in your bad times, some people are there just because they have to. After losing my mom I was emotionally vulnerable and I could have confided a lot of things to lot of people which should not happen because not everyone understands you and your situation situation.
4. Similarly, everyone present there is not your enemy either. Like I said I was emotionally vulnerable at that time so, I did a mistake of considering everyone as my enemy and I started believing that everyone who is trying to console me has a motive behind doing so.
5. You are now on your own. It is truly said that you can only fall back on your mom for everything because since past 10 years many a time I have found myself to be on my own. (I am grateful that God has tried to balance it out for my by giving me such an awesome husband on whom I can fall back upon for almost everything).
6. You will have to now lower your expectations from everyone (including life). I remember I was very excited about celebrating my 24th birthday, even though I don’t know why. Maybe it was written in the stars that it is going to be my last birthday with my mum. I went to work like always and when I was entering my house back I could hear mom shouting on my bhai over the phone, she was instructing him to get the cake of my favourite flavour only. Life is that rosy only with your mother.
7. Noone will ever understand why you suddenly start crying. I have many fond memories of my mom. A month before she passed away we both went on a trip to Thailand. Got massages done, did scuba diving, paragliding and what not. Sometimes even seeing the Pattaya beach on TV triggers tears in my eyes. After my mom has passed away I have cried uselessly, at public places, in weddings, at happy places, in movie halls and where not. I have been stared at, laughed at but it’s ok.
8. Something will remain a secret forever. There are few things which will always remain my secrets, they are buried inside my heart forever because I could not share it with anyone else but my mother.
9. Some special days will make you numb. On days like Mother’s Day, my mom’s bday, my mom dad’s wedding anniversary I go numb. I don’t know how to react. My daughter made Mother’s Day card for me and I didn’t know how to react. I see my friends putting their pics with their mother on this day and I realise I don’t have anymore pics with my mother and that makes me realise my loss once again.
10. You will become more possessive about your siblings/kids. Losing my mom made me more possessive about my brother. I used to fight everyone who spoke ill about him and now that I am a mother I have become very very possessive about my kids. During my second pregnancy I had some problems with my red blood cells and doctor told me to get some tests done. Till the time the doctor didn’t give me a clean chit I was so scared. I was scared because I thought if something happens to me what all can happen to my daughter after that. I was scared thinking that when I have such a tough time without my mother in spite of the fact that I was 25 when my mom passed away, how will my 5 year old daughter manage without me. I had sleepless nights.
And the learnings have not stopped.